sunday

well here I am lying in bed and I mostly feel exhausted. For those parents that told me that my life would change forever after having a baby, well you were right!

Each day brings something new and for now I am just lying here letting it all sink in a bit more. Both Marcelo and I, and his Mom too have been working incredibly hard taking care of this little guy and I want to recognize that. It is truly a labor of love, and of joy, and definitively a labor. I have been pondering too, on how physically intensive the labor is as he is getting much bigger and much heavier. I generally love exercise, but it is a challenge when I am physically exhausted.

Indeed I want to just take a moment to recognize my own efforts and feel proud and happy about all the good mothering Ive been doing. Go me! I have inevidbly been pushed to my limits in these past months, and I am still going. Tired, but trucking along.

Levi generally wakes up several times per night and almost always somewhere in the 5 o clock (am) hour, and goes back to sleep (yay!), but many times I am already too awake by then to be able to go back. I have been dealing with pretty consistent levels of fatigue I never dreamt possible. (mmmmm dreaming..lol). And imagine, I still haven't slept more than 5 hours in a row since he was born! I truly have a new respect for all parents :-)

Its really incredible how 24-7 this job is. When Marcelo or Came are watching him, I am often scrambling like a mad woman to get things done, cleaning, bills, and your general to-do list type stuff. But I do it with a sense of urgency as I know the time is limited. There is some loss inherent in becoming a parent which I want to acknowledge and honor. The days of my indepent agenda are over, gone, bye bye, see you in about 15-20 years. The three things I miss most are; sleeping, my daily breathing/meditation exercises, and cooking. These are all great self care practices that I love and enjoy so much that really just different now, with the latter two barely in existence.
Of course I love my child and and am growing to love being a parent too. I think most of the big things in life are like a ying-yang...you have pros and cons and ups and downs. Raising a child is amazing and full of moments that take my breath away, and its also incredibly hard and demanding. Another example- the losses in my life have been extremely painful, but have also taught me a lot and humbled me so. Also, imagine how much physical pain a woman goes through in her body breaking open to give birth to a miracle!

So yes here I lay with my little angel peacefully breathing beside me and I thank God, as I do every night. I want to be the best parent and partner and person I can be. Its truly a miraculous journey, this thing called life. Onward we go!