darn...

I got a new phone recently and just realized the pics I have supposedly posted to this blog have not been coming up. ....stay tuned...

update!

I am glad to be able to post now, have been meaning to keep folks up to date! The past few weeks has honestly been one of the most challenging periods of my life. Its mainly the lack of sleep that has made me craaaazy. Like honestly depressed and very moody. I am just not myself when I don't sleep enough and it has been soooo long since Ive gotten a good nights rest. The past week Levi has been waking up to feed more in the night and is now getting up for the day at 5:30. Gah! I am also going today to buy cereal/formula for him as I'm no longer producing enough milk to keep up with his growing body! I am still pumping and what not but think my supply may have dwindled b/c of work but mainly stress. I had a really rough day yesterday and got backed up (engorged) despite pumping for the first time in a long time. He's also had a diaper rash that got so bad that we've been bathing him 2X per day and letting him sleep and hang out naked. Hehe, it's actually really cute, but also lots of work! Great news that Marcelo got a new job with another non profit (more on that later) He starts his new job next week! He's there for one week, then goes back to his old job the following week, then returns to the new job for good. So needless to say he has been super busy trying to tie loose ends and what not, working extra hours and weekends and coming home completely spent. Marcelo and I literally arrive each day so exhausted we just constantly negotiate and take turns so the other can rest. We did have a nice Fathers Day at the Arboretum and above all, are truly enjoying the hec out of Levi. He is sooooo adorable and each day truly brings something new. He's been really into squealing with joy, grabbing stuff, and now doing a lot of kicking and moving with his legs and feet. Its all so amazing. The days of going to the gym whenever I want are so over, lol. But I'm learning to be OK with it. I have been trying to make it once a week for a yoga/hot tub session which I love so much. It has been also really fun walking at a local park with a lake and tons of people with levi in the stroller. I want to start incorporating him into my activities! We usually walk between 1-4 miles and its great. SO to sum it up its been as equally amazing as it has been challenging. And, like always, onward we go!

sunday

well here I am lying in bed and I mostly feel exhausted. For those parents that told me that my life would change forever after having a baby, well you were right!

Each day brings something new and for now I am just lying here letting it all sink in a bit more. Both Marcelo and I, and his Mom too have been working incredibly hard taking care of this little guy and I want to recognize that. It is truly a labor of love, and of joy, and definitively a labor. I have been pondering too, on how physically intensive the labor is as he is getting much bigger and much heavier. I generally love exercise, but it is a challenge when I am physically exhausted.

Indeed I want to just take a moment to recognize my own efforts and feel proud and happy about all the good mothering Ive been doing. Go me! I have inevidbly been pushed to my limits in these past months, and I am still going. Tired, but trucking along.

Levi generally wakes up several times per night and almost always somewhere in the 5 o clock (am) hour, and goes back to sleep (yay!), but many times I am already too awake by then to be able to go back. I have been dealing with pretty consistent levels of fatigue I never dreamt possible. (mmmmm dreaming..lol). And imagine, I still haven't slept more than 5 hours in a row since he was born! I truly have a new respect for all parents :-)

Its really incredible how 24-7 this job is. When Marcelo or Came are watching him, I am often scrambling like a mad woman to get things done, cleaning, bills, and your general to-do list type stuff. But I do it with a sense of urgency as I know the time is limited. There is some loss inherent in becoming a parent which I want to acknowledge and honor. The days of my indepent agenda are over, gone, bye bye, see you in about 15-20 years. The three things I miss most are; sleeping, my daily breathing/meditation exercises, and cooking. These are all great self care practices that I love and enjoy so much that really just different now, with the latter two barely in existence.
Of course I love my child and and am growing to love being a parent too. I think most of the big things in life are like a ying-yang...you have pros and cons and ups and downs. Raising a child is amazing and full of moments that take my breath away, and its also incredibly hard and demanding. Another example- the losses in my life have been extremely painful, but have also taught me a lot and humbled me so. Also, imagine how much physical pain a woman goes through in her body breaking open to give birth to a miracle!

So yes here I lay with my little angel peacefully breathing beside me and I thank God, as I do every night. I want to be the best parent and partner and person I can be. Its truly a miraculous journey, this thing called life. Onward we go!